Thoughts

Happy Canada day....... or is it? My first July 1, back in Winnipeg not at all what I had thought it would be like. No expectations, no hurt right? Well, maybe. I'm using this blog to write my thoughts and feelings down, knowing nobody will read it.
Back in Canada eh? Yep, and I'm ready to move back to sunny, hot, humid, friendly San Antonio. But, I will give it a little longer. I'm struggling with a whole truck load of feelings, emotions, thoughts about was us moving here the right thing to do? Right for who? Me? My kids? My siblings? My grandkids? My husband? It seemed like the right thing to do prior to the move. I had thought my relationship with my kids would improve drastically, I'd get to know my grandkids, I'd re-bond with my siblings and so on. Is that happning? Not sure. I made up my mind I would allow my kids the space they need to get used to me living here again, I know it's not easy for them. I'm stepping back, not to get in their way or faces, I thought it would be best to allow them to "come" to me. They don't come much at all, other than when I invite them. I do not feel welcome in their homes, I do not feel like a grandma to Khali and Nyah, Jeff's mom is much better at it than me, at least that's what my granddaughters told me. She's nice enough not to hit, I'm not, it's ok to hit me. Hurt? You betcha! My son in law's cancer is almost too much to deal with. None of them have a CLUE about how much it hurts to see Shawna hurting, frustrated and irritable, and so on, and she has every reason to be all those things. Sheryl, well, I don't know her anymore. I don't hear from her any more now than I did when I lived in San Antonio or Cali. It's the way she wants it, so I let it be.
I guess I've forgotten how to be a mom and have never known how to be a grandma. Ben, is the one big reason for me staying in Wpg right now. He has a hold of my heart strings like nobody else has ever had except for when my kids were little.
Poor Avery! Although he was adamant about us moving here for my sake, trooper that he is........ had been thrown into not only a very different culture, but a big huge family (which he's not used to), "step kids", grandkids, son's in law, and has to wait for approval on his work visa, so he's stuck at home, dealing with me and my emotions, his feelings and thoughts on how things are going, and that makes me feel guilty too.
Back to how my kids are feeling about us having moved back here.......... I don't know. None of them have told me, well, yes they were kinda forced into it once or twice when my sister and mom asked them if it wasn't great to have me back here. Other than that, I have no idea, I have a STRONG feeling they miss Lorraine more and would have preferred to have her back. That may be going to deep, I don't know, but it's my feelings being put down here. You can't help what you feel, you can only help how you react to the feelings!

Well, I'll try this again some other day, maybe I'll have more positive things to say. For now, I'll tuck the hurt deep down again, smile, and go on.

So much to say, but the words won't come

Emotions too high, will try this another day